I will explain using a simple and, I hope, not a vital example for you:
you corresponded a lot with a potential partner (partner), went on several
dates, everything seems to be going well, nothing portends trouble. And
suddenly your friend (girlfriend) disappears without warning and explanation,
ignores messages, in fact, just rejects you.
This behavior demoralizes you and you wonder “Why? What have I done wrong?”.
Such an act on the part of the partner is called ” ghosting “. Most often, it occurs in online dating, when, after a short or long communication, the interlocutor stops responding to our messages, write enthusiastic comments, and blacklists us.
Often he (or she) then shows up to “like” the photo or write a sentimental message. At the same time, the motives and goals of such an act are unknown to you.
How is Ghosting different from the usual ignoring and parting?
- Positive violation of personal boundaries. At the very beginning of communication, a partner with pressure and sympathy breaks through your personal boundaries, does not spare compliments and gifts that make you succumb to his perseverance.
- Offers and even imposes his help. You begin to think of the disturber of peace of mind more than he deserves.
- “Fairytale in real life”. The beginning of a relationship looks like you’ve already found the love of your life. The period of a fairy tale can last from a couple of months to six months. This is enough for you to form a stable emotional dependence on your partner, and you completely trust.
- He (a) disappears. And the story ends abruptly.
- You are completely bewildered. The most painful stage. All methods to contact the partner have been tried, but he (a) does not get in touch. Your thoughts revolve only around what happened: “Why did this happen?”. When you don’t find the answer, you start blaming yourself. The main danger of this period is that some people may fall into depression.
- He (a) suddenly appears. And now he seeks to regain the lost trust: he again attacks you with positive emotions. The interesting thing is that the manipulator already knows where and how to push so that you fall for his bait again. After all, before that you told him a lot about yourself. And he (a) knows how to bind you back to him.
- A new round starts. Relationships start to feel like a roller coaster: intimacy- rejection . The longer the victim is in this environment, the more difficult it is for them to realize that something abnormal is happening.
Why Can’t A Ghosting Victim Walk Away After The First Time Being Dumped?
Most people, when they are left, look for the problem in themselves, not
in a partner. And this is the main hook of manipulators. The search for the
reasons for the victim of the ghosting in most cases ends with the discovery of
shortcomings in oneself. Gradually, self-esteem is greatly reduced. And waiting
for a call from a partner quietly drives you crazy.
It is important to know that the reason for rejection is usually not in us, but in the personal history of the abuser . Our torment can bring sadistic pleasure to the abuser and increase self-esteem.
But sometimes this behavior is his personal tragedy. He can be really fascinated by us, wants to build a lasting relationship. But he is afraid of emotional intimacy in a couple. Therefore, when the distance becomes critical for him, he runs away. But even in this case, it is important to understand that you are not your partner’s therapist. With this problem, he (a) must deal without your participation.