Choosing a condom is a very personal and highly individual matter. Fortunately, the modern market for intimate products provides ample opportunities and strives to satisfy the requirements of the most meticulous and fastidious consumers. But what if your tastes are somewhat specific? What to do in a situation when the incredibly thin, super-light, contoured with spiral ribs and tested three times on the machines of the leading generation of the condom does not arouse interest?
Well, my dear thrill-seekers, then I dare to lure you into the dark side of erotic design. Here you will plunge into a surreal world. Please note that only the strong in spirit and absolutely fearless will not go crazy from what they see. Some things will excite you, others will scare you away, some will make you smile, and others may make your wildest sexual dreams come true.
Did I scare you? Or more interest? Are you already nervously squeezing your crotch in anticipation and fidgeting in your chair? I will not torment you with waiting any longer, we are starting our show!
10. Pikachu
When in Tokyo, be sure to check out the Oi Keibajo flea market, where you will find countless bizarre and charming figurines, antique chronometers, ancient engravings, vintage Buddha images and toys that European tourists could not even imagine existed. It was here, at this colorful carnival of the outskirts of the Japanese capital, that pikachu condoms first appeared.
When visually assessing the toy, you are shocked by the unsafe length of the ears, which sometimes reaches 5 cm! In terms of other characteristics, the product practically does not differ from its less extravagant counterparts, it stretches perfectly and eliminates the risk of unplanned pregnancy. For a moment, imagine a bright yellow Pokemon staring at you with bulging eyes from your lover’s penis. One possibility of such a situation confuses me a little.
9. Alien love
Apparently, the designers were inspired by watching Sci-Fi TV shows under the influence of LSD. They themselves comment on the product as follows: “In the new series of condoms, we have focused on shape and color. The main goal of our work is to guarantee our clients maximum satisfaction. ” And everything would go like clockwork, if the manufacturers did not overdo it with experiments and did not dare to achieve the desired by expanding the range of passion to an alien and extraterrestrial scale.
The set includes 8 condoms, among which you will see spiky, spiny, pimpled specimens. Each condom in the kit has a proprietary name. The most popular among fans of alien intercourse are “Slow Hand”, “Dastardly Serpent” and “Bristly Lamp”. Surprisingly, the products were successful, and the company began to produce condoms with flavors: Lime Caramel, Sticky Grapes and Sugar Banana. Sounds like a dessert menu that came down to us from heaven.
8. Lollipops
The horror of this representative of the rating is given not so much by the design in the form of candies on a stick, but by the stylization of the wrapper. The foil features children’s cartoon characters, cute animals and anthropomorphic fruits. If you haven’t read too carefully, I will repeat the word “children” one more time. It is very strange that manufacturers have not yet been accused of promoting pedophilia.
Initially, the product appeared on the shelves of Japanese sex shops, but then spread to all corners of the world. For example, in colleges in the UK, it is customary to give candy condoms to freshmen. In Wales, a scandal even erupted when reckless students handed out condoms under the guise of candy during some citywide celebration.
7. SpongeBob
I never cease to be amazed at the Japanese innovative approach to the design of erotic products. They are in no way embarrassed by the fact that the penis is dressed in a fluorescent yellow shell, adorned with the brooding physiognomy of a popular cartoon character. I don’t know how things were with the Russian translation, but in the original, SpongeBob often repeats the phrase “Worship the magic conch!” (“I love the magic shell!”). In the context of intimate games, this sounds ambiguous.
Condoms are packed in a tin can. Many users complain about the poor-quality connection of the ring to the body. At the most crucial moment, it remains in the hand and you have to look for a knife or opener to remove the condom from a tightly sealed container.
6. Bacon
I read somewhere that a long time ago they used pork intestines as contraceptives. J & D’s decided to shake up the antiquity and release to the market a product that fully matches the smell, color and taste of fried bacon. This is not the first innovation and games with food of animal origin, but the debut in the market for sex products. Previously, J & D’s were limited to the release of salt, mayonnaise, popcorn with bacon. The rubber industry is the crown jewel of creatives and the ultimate tribute to the pig.
People have a right to food addictions and exotic erotic fantasies, but shoving an imitation slit lump of lard into your vagina is too daring. The main thing is not to mention condoms from J & D’s in the presence of vegans, otherwise you will have many hours of lecture on the popularization of murder and dirty perversions of meat eaters.
5. Whiskey
Alcohol and Sex – these guys go hand in hand, like a lawyer and a criminal, like a devil and a sinner. With the invention of the Whiskey condom, your partner can literally get drunk with love. And these are not empty promises from marketers. The McCondom company uses in the production of chemical components authentic good old Scotch whiskey. After using the toy, the sensations are comparable to a brain-draining booze.
The product appeared on the open spaces of the network and went viral to such an extent that it became a bestseller among the tourist souvenirs of Mother of Scotland. It is bought along with kilts, plaid berets and sporran (small handbags). Condoms are much cheaper than the original drink, for just a few dollars you will get the effect of a couple of glasses of intoxicating drink.
4. Tuxedo
Over time, the number of appearances in stylish evening dresses is inexorably decreasing. Friends get married one by one, and there are fewer reasons to wear a tuxedo. A condom in an elegant bow tie and pleated shirt will give lovers the opportunity to introduce the atmosphere of a social event into the bedroom. “Your vagina needs a gallant gentleman” – this is the advertising slogan of the product. No wonder condoms are taken apart like hotcakes.
In the United States, strippers wear “tuxedo” for bachelorette parties, the rest of the clothes are discarded as unnecessary. Clients with screams and hooting greeted guys with impressive dignity in a breathtaking suit. By the way, this is the only representative of the rating, which received the approval of the Food and Drug Administration. Only legalization and recognition at a high level allowed the Tuxedo condom to get close to the top three.
3. Gameboy
Oh, these games are from the early 90s. It is necessary to control and calculate in advance each press of the joystick buttons in order to deliver the most effective blow. Consider freezing in the middle of a tense battle or unexpected hibernation. How many nerves of the younger generation were spent on an 8-bit miracle. The sex of most couples is comparable to terrible and at the same time beautiful toys: graphics are lame, movements are either sharp or slow to the point of disgrace, and instead of the coveted “You are win” icon, “Game over” often appears.
Work on the Gameboy line of condoms began as a creative advertising project. However, the number of potential buyers wishing to purchase products with a reference to their favorite games has exceeded all imaginable and unimaginable expectations. The marketing agency’s public relations departments were bombarded with letters asking them to sell the condoms, or at least indicate where they could be found. As a result, the management decided to launch the product on the market.
2. Pumpkinhead
The well-known company Durex announced on its Internet portal about the release of pumpkin-scented condoms, timed to coincide with Halloween. Unfortunately, the announcement turned out to be a hoax of dastardly competitors, the article was published by hackers who hacked the resource. In fact, Durex management had never heard of “their brand new condom.” But the idea leaked out to the masses, hardworking Chinese presented latex products imitating the symbol of All Saints Day.
The problem is that, despite the clear focus on meeting the seasonal demand for mystical paraphernalia, the devices have a daunting design. Having rolled the condom over the penis, lovers will find that a sweet smile turns into a terrible grin, and the eyes of a pretty pumpkin bulge in wordless pleading. Hair stands on end, in such conditions there can be no question of any sex.
Pumpkinhead
1. Liquid condoms
Hooray! The shameful purchase of rubber bands for tiny dicks in pharmacies and sex shops will soon sink into oblivion. Thanks to the invention of Jan Vincent Krause, it is possible to cover even the smallest reproductive organ with a latex poncho. The guy often watched as at the car wash his car was treated with wax from spray guns and one, I’m not afraid of this word, a beautiful day an idea arose in his head. After playing enough with chemicals, Yang developed liquid condoms. Spray the composition from a spray can, wait a couple of minutes and enjoy the closeness.
Like all great inventions, Krause condoms are in need of refinement. The subjects noted the emergence of mixed feelings of varying intensity – from bewilderment to a state of shock, when the bright latex fell on the most valuable place. There was a problem while removing the used device. When applied inaccurately, the pubic hair was firmly glued into the condom, and had to be pulled out by the roots. Now another talented enthusiast is working on the product – Michelle Chu. The inventor promises that by the end of this year the contraceptive will be available for sale. So far, the only way to reap the benefits of a liquid condom is to volunteer for laboratory experiments.
So, dear readers, it’s time to return from an unforgettable journey through the hidden corners of the inflamed fantasy of condom designers. You looked at familiar cartoon characters from a different angle, touched alien civilizations, tried new dishes and drinks. Hope you have enough thrills for today. If not, I recommend reading the article on celebrity weird sex toys.