As you all know, men are brought up on the notion that sensuality, emotionality, tenderness, deep feelings are purely feminine properties. The man who shows them is suspicious. He is considered weak, unmanly, if not a libertine. But if you penetrate inside, then the so-called a manifestation of strength, this is just a fake facade. Who were the greatest poets, musicians, artists so far? Men, that’s who. Women make more noise, but beneath it they hide their elastic practicality, which allows them to go through the most incredible disasters. Although the female threshold for pain is much higher than the male, it is she who has the courage to scream, while the man bites his lips and tries not to betray his torment.
But this does not end with torment. We have extended other concepts of masculinity to the point of cruelty and insensibility in all areas of life. We teach our boys that they must be both aggressive and restrained, identifying insensibility with strength. At the same time, we are trying to convince our girls that they should be feminine, should show all the signs of weakness and helplessness that they can think of, that they should be desired and passive. But worst of all, we teach them that love is for girls, and sex is for boys.
And the result is the following. A man who was told that he should be aggressive and show as little emotion as possible, behaves as if love is a feeling only for girls and wimps. Therefore, he approaches sex from a purely physical point of view and his only goal is his own pleasure. And although he may have a sincere desire for gentleness, tenderness, he was taught that such feelings should be suppressed if he wants to be a man. A woman, on the other hand, was taught just the opposite. She must be passive, sentimental, emotional and sex for her must be accompanied by love, if she wants to be feminine. She was taught to suppress her eroticism and at the same time ignore his emotions. All this leads to the bed of two inferior people, and everyone needs just what the other should hide. As a result, most often there is a complete misunderstanding of each other, or rather, lack of mutual understanding, lack of empathy (the ability to parallel experience those emotions that arise in another person).
Empathy is the most important thing in making love for both a woman and a man. Since no man can ever fully experience female feelings, just as a woman could not experience what a man feels, empathic reactions are the only way to understand each other. It is a pity that, in fact, the hero of the film “What a Woman Wants” showed intuition and clairvoyance unprecedented by our men in relation to the weaker sex. Of course, I understand that no man will ever be able to fully understand the mechanism of female orgasm, but with some effort he can come close to his understanding, at least so much as to become a pleasant lover. At the very least, we can learn to perceive the signals sent to each other and act in accordance with them.
What could be worse, for example, than being in bed with a man who does not have the slightest idea about your feelings and what to do with them. I am not talking about those egoists who do not care about anything at all except themselves. No, there are those who want to please their partner, but don’t know how to determine her condition at any given moment. When I say that a man should first of all enjoy himself, this does not mean that he should attack the woman. It is about getting pleasure with all your feelings, and not about simply relieving your sexual need. He must seek pleasure with a sense of touch as well as a sense of smell, taste, vision, hearing. If he enjoyed all these feelings, he will have an exceptionally happy woman next to him and thus turn “I” and “YOU” into “WE”. And all this thanks to the fulfillment of their own desires!
Take, for example, a sense of touch. If a man really enjoys the feeling of a woman’s body, if he finds pleasure in stroking her smooth, warm skin, knows how to appreciate the contours and physique that every woman has, if he sincerely admires feeling all this, then he will give the woman only pleasure with caresses. And although he feels it for his own pleasure, the result is mutual pleasure, many times superior to what each of them would feel individually. And the same applies to every other feeling. A man who vibrates at the sound of female groans of ecstasy should first of all bring a woman to let out these moans. And so with every sensory experience.
All this seems simple and understandable, but it is neglected by too many men precisely because our culture teaches them that it is the privilege of women to find pleasure in feelings . To be a “real man”, he, a man, believes that he should be rude, tough, aggressive, and purely sensual pleasure on his part is the same nonsense as listening to classical music and reading poetry. And the result leads to a hasty, unsatisfactory and boring sexual intercourse.
So, the first thing a man who wants to be a good lover must do is, first of all, to educate all his feelings, to learn to enjoy them, freeing himself from stupid prejudices and prohibitions. That is how he will become more courageous, more human and at the same time a better lover.